Well, I got laid-off February 27, 2009. This is the first time I've been involuntarily unemployed --- I'm not liking it much. Finding a job with benefits that pays what I need is going to be nearly impossible. I'm trying. Susana is being extremely supportive and helping all she can. My parents and my sister have also offered to help. I will not accept their help though, unless I just can't avoid it. Dallas and Savannah, especially Savannah, have been understanding and as helpful as they can be.
I have signed up with every job place online; gone to every company website I can think of anywhere in the area to look for jobs; signed up for freelance websites, etc.; but what I really need is benefits.
Because of my past health problems I would never be able to get my own health insurance that would be in the least bit affordable. It must be a job with health insurance benefits. Even if I have to take less pay and get a second job.
I'd like to move away from Graphics and yet I'd hate to loose my skills in that area. I love graphic design. I love creating and picking out fonts and searching for just the right photo or creating just the right graphic design. If I leave the business altogether, I'm going to miss it, but I see it falling by the wayside. As more and more people get better on their own computers and graphics programs get easier to use, the need for my skills grows less and less. Makes me sad.
Right now, well, on Thursday, Susana is having surgery on her thumb and I just want her to get through that and be okay. I love her so much. I don't like seeing her in pain and I don't like for her to have to have surgery but she must. Whatever is dwelling in her thumb must come out. I pray all will be fine.
I'm trying not to worry too much... it is slightly unavoidable, but so far I'm doing pretty good. About all things.
Life goes on.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My love
You are the sunrise of my soul.
When you came to me I was feeling so alone,
But you touched me, deep inside,
And through everything our love has grown.
Your bright smile warms me
like sunshine on a cloudy day.
Your soft skin flows like silk beneath my hands,
and your sweet scent, like a summer breeze,
gently kisses me whenever your are near.
I feel your presence inside my heart
Like no one else before you.
I know that you are part of me
for when our spirits stray from one another
a void as vast as the ocean envelops me...
and I long for you.
You know the secrets of my soul,
The darkness and the light,
And work your magic with your love,
When I seem to lose my sight.
I never want to be without you,
lest hope and love be lost,
Hand in hand, I'll walk beside you
No matter what the cost.
You are the love I've waited for
So beautiful and magical...
everything feels so right.
You feed the fire inside of me
You give me the strength to fight.
I cannot believe you cannot see how beautiful you are,
How amazing and wonderful, intelligent, shining like the brightest star...
You are the sunrise of my soul, and I could ask for nothing more.
When you came to me I was feeling so alone,
But you touched me, deep inside,
And through everything our love has grown.
Your bright smile warms me
like sunshine on a cloudy day.
Your soft skin flows like silk beneath my hands,
and your sweet scent, like a summer breeze,
gently kisses me whenever your are near.
I feel your presence inside my heart
Like no one else before you.
I know that you are part of me
for when our spirits stray from one another
a void as vast as the ocean envelops me...
and I long for you.
You know the secrets of my soul,
The darkness and the light,
And work your magic with your love,
When I seem to lose my sight.
I never want to be without you,
lest hope and love be lost,
Hand in hand, I'll walk beside you
No matter what the cost.
You are the love I've waited for
So beautiful and magical...
everything feels so right.
You feed the fire inside of me
You give me the strength to fight.
I cannot believe you cannot see how beautiful you are,
How amazing and wonderful, intelligent, shining like the brightest star...
You are the sunrise of my soul, and I could ask for nothing more.
Long time, no see....
Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Mostly, because I don't really like the way my blog looks and I really don't have time to learn how to make it better.
Anyway, wow, since 2006. So much has happened. Short version.
My daugher, Savannah, came to live with me full time in February of 2008. Her relationship with her father is NOT good and I don't know if it ever will be. He can't seem to understand how and why he hurts her.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 2008; had a double mastectomy in May of 2008; for all practical purposes I am presumed cured. It was stage 0 and no lymph node involvement. 2008 was a horrible year, yet ended okay. I'm greatly relieved and feel very blessed that my cancer was caught early. Moving on.
I started back to school in August of 2008, hopefully working towards a career change. (My sister and her husband are paying my tuition and books. She really wants me to have a better job and wants to help me make my life better. I am forever grateful to them both for all their help.) However, with the downturn in the economy it may not be as soon as I'd hoped. I have one more class to take after the one I'm taking now (Environmental Science) and then I'll be ready to job seek. I working towards Environmental Health Specialist.
My partner and I are doing well. Her love and support through everything has been and is wonderful. We have our differences, but I know that she loves me, and my kids, and I cannot imagine life without her. We dream of someday have one house that we both love and that can accommodate our needs for our families. We still have very little money and again, the economy isn't helping. I am at home today, without pay, because the company I work for is experiencing a blight of work. I can only pray that the workload picks up soon... very, very soon.
In January, Susana had a very serious kidney infection. We caught it in the nick of time. I think she was on the verge of septicemia. We spent New Year's Day at the urgent care, where she received intravenous antibiotics and was sent home with a prescription for Levaquin and orders to stay home from work the rest of the week. Stubborn as she is, she went to work on Monday, and Tuesday the following week but was still too weak and had a small relapse. Subsequently she was ordered to stay home the rest of that week also. She did, and recovered nicely. She really had me scared for bit there.
Savannah had a minor car accident on January 5th. No injuries and only her truck was crunched. My brother-in-law, Scott, and my dad managed to repair the truck with very little cost. We were so grateful. Now I just have to wait and see if the car insurance goes up or not. If it does, a second job may have to come into the picture -- if there are any to be found! Insurance is sooooo ridiculous. I've been paying car insurance premiums for 31 years and never made a claim, yet still no break on the insurance. Doesn't seem fair does it? Insurance is a big racket anyway. WE all know that, but yet we must have it.
Dallas is doing great. He still goes every other week to his Dad's house. I think he would like to live with us full time but I think he feels sorry for his father. He has a lot of anger towards him, though. Sometimes that scares me. Susana and I make sure he knows he can talk to us and that he can live with us if that is what he wants. Sometimes just knowing there is a safe haven to go to is enough.
His dad still won't get him a cell phone. All because Savannah wrote Henry (dad) a note saying that all she wanted for Christmas was for Henry to pay the dental bill and get Dallas a cell phone. Oh, and Dallas was supposed to get a cell phone from his father for his 14th birthday... he never got it. Anyway, I was planning to put him on my cell phone plan until this work situation occurred. He may have to wait a bit. Maybe it doesn't seem like necessity but with Dallas at two different houses, and various people picking him up at school... sometimes we forget and so it would be safer if he had a phone to call someone. It makes me feel bad that I can't give him one now. I'll have to keep working on it.
I wish Henry would just understand that I'm not trying to get anything out of him... I just need help taking care of our kids. He is so vindictive towards me and Susana. I suppose it's because we're gay. He once told me that he had nothing to say to her even though she never did anything to him. People like us are from the devil. His close-mindedness has cost him one child and may cost him the other. I do feel sorry for him... and angry at the same time. I've tried to make him understand, but he won't listen to me. Dallas has also tried -- he won't listen to him either. I don't know what else to try.
Time passes swiftly, and what is lost cannot be regained. I hope he learns this soon.
Anyway, wow, since 2006. So much has happened. Short version.
My daugher, Savannah, came to live with me full time in February of 2008. Her relationship with her father is NOT good and I don't know if it ever will be. He can't seem to understand how and why he hurts her.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 2008; had a double mastectomy in May of 2008; for all practical purposes I am presumed cured. It was stage 0 and no lymph node involvement. 2008 was a horrible year, yet ended okay. I'm greatly relieved and feel very blessed that my cancer was caught early. Moving on.
I started back to school in August of 2008, hopefully working towards a career change. (My sister and her husband are paying my tuition and books. She really wants me to have a better job and wants to help me make my life better. I am forever grateful to them both for all their help.) However, with the downturn in the economy it may not be as soon as I'd hoped. I have one more class to take after the one I'm taking now (Environmental Science) and then I'll be ready to job seek. I working towards Environmental Health Specialist.
My partner and I are doing well. Her love and support through everything has been and is wonderful. We have our differences, but I know that she loves me, and my kids, and I cannot imagine life without her. We dream of someday have one house that we both love and that can accommodate our needs for our families. We still have very little money and again, the economy isn't helping. I am at home today, without pay, because the company I work for is experiencing a blight of work. I can only pray that the workload picks up soon... very, very soon.
In January, Susana had a very serious kidney infection. We caught it in the nick of time. I think she was on the verge of septicemia. We spent New Year's Day at the urgent care, where she received intravenous antibiotics and was sent home with a prescription for Levaquin and orders to stay home from work the rest of the week. Stubborn as she is, she went to work on Monday, and Tuesday the following week but was still too weak and had a small relapse. Subsequently she was ordered to stay home the rest of that week also. She did, and recovered nicely. She really had me scared for bit there.
Savannah had a minor car accident on January 5th. No injuries and only her truck was crunched. My brother-in-law, Scott, and my dad managed to repair the truck with very little cost. We were so grateful. Now I just have to wait and see if the car insurance goes up or not. If it does, a second job may have to come into the picture -- if there are any to be found! Insurance is sooooo ridiculous. I've been paying car insurance premiums for 31 years and never made a claim, yet still no break on the insurance. Doesn't seem fair does it? Insurance is a big racket anyway. WE all know that, but yet we must have it.
Dallas is doing great. He still goes every other week to his Dad's house. I think he would like to live with us full time but I think he feels sorry for his father. He has a lot of anger towards him, though. Sometimes that scares me. Susana and I make sure he knows he can talk to us and that he can live with us if that is what he wants. Sometimes just knowing there is a safe haven to go to is enough.
His dad still won't get him a cell phone. All because Savannah wrote Henry (dad) a note saying that all she wanted for Christmas was for Henry to pay the dental bill and get Dallas a cell phone. Oh, and Dallas was supposed to get a cell phone from his father for his 14th birthday... he never got it. Anyway, I was planning to put him on my cell phone plan until this work situation occurred. He may have to wait a bit. Maybe it doesn't seem like necessity but with Dallas at two different houses, and various people picking him up at school... sometimes we forget and so it would be safer if he had a phone to call someone. It makes me feel bad that I can't give him one now. I'll have to keep working on it.
I wish Henry would just understand that I'm not trying to get anything out of him... I just need help taking care of our kids. He is so vindictive towards me and Susana. I suppose it's because we're gay. He once told me that he had nothing to say to her even though she never did anything to him. People like us are from the devil. His close-mindedness has cost him one child and may cost him the other. I do feel sorry for him... and angry at the same time. I've tried to make him understand, but he won't listen to me. Dallas has also tried -- he won't listen to him either. I don't know what else to try.
Time passes swiftly, and what is lost cannot be regained. I hope he learns this soon.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Picking Bones
I have a bone to pick. Having been OUT since 2000, I have become painfully aware of all the hullabaloo about being gay. Especially in the south where living in the "bible belt" brings its own special "joys" (you can read that as prejudice) to homosexual people.
Over the past couple of years in particular, I've heard time and again, "God loves the sinner but not the sin." This is immediately followed with, "we'd love to have you at church... please come." That particular statement, about the sinner, is extremely offensive to me because I am not sinning by being gay!
It is exactly this idea that repulses me about the religious institution as a whole. Yes, I am a sinner -- but NOT because I'm gay. I am as God created me. I no more chose to be gay, than heterosexuals choose to be straight. It is something that just IS.
So many people believe that it is possible for a gay individual to "change." If that's the case, then why don't all the straight people change to gay for a while. If it's so simple, then it would be just as easy to change back. No harm, no foul. Right? When you're through experiencing the hate and prejudice from the so-called Christians, you can change back. It's a really loving experience -- you really shouldn't miss out on it.
Go ahead. Give it try. Let me know what you think.
Over the past couple of years in particular, I've heard time and again, "God loves the sinner but not the sin." This is immediately followed with, "we'd love to have you at church... please come." That particular statement, about the sinner, is extremely offensive to me because I am not sinning by being gay!
It is exactly this idea that repulses me about the religious institution as a whole. Yes, I am a sinner -- but NOT because I'm gay. I am as God created me. I no more chose to be gay, than heterosexuals choose to be straight. It is something that just IS.
So many people believe that it is possible for a gay individual to "change." If that's the case, then why don't all the straight people change to gay for a while. If it's so simple, then it would be just as easy to change back. No harm, no foul. Right? When you're through experiencing the hate and prejudice from the so-called Christians, you can change back. It's a really loving experience -- you really shouldn't miss out on it.
Go ahead. Give it try. Let me know what you think.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
In the Beginning
This is the beginning -- of the blog, not living lesbian. That began almost four years ago. I was married for 12 years, and for the first four I had no idea that I was a lesbian. After many years of fantasizing about women, and having crushes on women -- although I didn't recognize them as such at the time -- it finally dawned on me "Hey, maybe I'm gay." What a terrifying realization! That first "dawning" came when I was 33. I spent seven years trying very hard to "cure" myself, denying nature and making myself miserable. I begged God to change me and when that didn't help, I finally accepted that God MADE me this way, and probably intended me to be this way. So I guess it's ok with Him, but most of the rest of the Christians seem to think I'm condemned to Hell.
The "rest of the Christians." That pretty much sums up the problems with being gay. This blog is about the struggle of living lesbian. It's also about the joy of accepting who you are, and allowing yourself to feel right. If you come back to visit, perhaps you'll see that while living lesbian is harder than living heterosexual, it's basically the same.
The "rest of the Christians." That pretty much sums up the problems with being gay. This blog is about the struggle of living lesbian. It's also about the joy of accepting who you are, and allowing yourself to feel right. If you come back to visit, perhaps you'll see that while living lesbian is harder than living heterosexual, it's basically the same.
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